The Art of Falling: Castiel's Journal of Impossible things
by notan8footpython
Summary: "I learned something today: Humans lie. They lie about the simplest of things. Dean lies to me every day when he tells me he's fine, and he and Sam lie to each other constantly. You'd think they'd learn, but that's human nature I guess. Maybe Falling will help me see what my Father saw in His creations." Rated M to be safe, it's fairly tame tho.
1. Chapter 1

Wednesday - May 18, 2009

Humans.  
They're so complex and intricate. A multi-faceted diamond of possibility. I can see now why Father loved them so much.  
I just wish the other angels felt the same way.  
The way they do things...fascinating. Today I saw a man at the gas station filling up his car with fuel, and so I went over to watch him try and get the two sets of numbers on the screen to line up and match. He was at it for a few seconds, but then gave up and drove away. That made me think. Why did he start the task if he knew he probably wasn't going to reach his goal? And if he did, what satisfaction would he get from two numbers lining up? Humans. The day I understand them will be the day I die.

 _-Castiel_


	2. Chapter 2

September 17, 2009

Dean is lying to me again.  
I don't know why. I've betrayed him before, yes, but haven't I always redeemed myself? I just wish he could trust me enough to say that he actually isn't feeling okay.  
Why do humans lie? Don't they know it only causes problems? Angels are taught not to lie. But I do anyway. I guess he reason they lie is because they don't want people close to them. I love Dean. I want to be close to him, and on some level he wants to be close to me as well.  
He told me that the reason his eyes were red and swollen was because he was hungover. I know he was lying because when I touched him I could tell he had a minimal amount of alcohol in his blood. I didn't tell him that though. Does that make me a liar?  
Humanity is so confusing. They putter around pushing people away and breaking hearts and then they wonder why the feel so alone. I know I feel alone a lot.  
That's why I don't want Dean to be alone. I can sit for hours watching the bees fly and thinking of him. But I doubt he could do the same. Action, drama, fighting, that's what he likes. But more importantly, he needs people. He has sex with other lonely people and brings his brother back from hell and goes out drinking every now get just to feel something. He acts like he doesn't need anyone but it doesn't take a genius to know that he does. I am a genius compared to him, of course, but that's not the point. Dean needs me and I need him. I just wish he knew that.

- _Castiel_


	3. Chapter 3

August 27, 2009

Have you ever just been sitting there, doing nothing stressful or otherwise demanding, and then it hits you? The crushing weight of being alive, the twisting in your chest and the pressure on your lungs? Sam tells me this is a symptom of anxiety, and after researching it I realize how many humans struggle with this today.

Humans are unbelievably strong, yet so inconceivably fragile at the same time. How can they survive, every day, living in ignorance of what horrors could befall them? My Father truly did outdo himself when creating this wonderful organisms.

I suppose, now that I'm human, I'll begin to feel a lot of these kind of emotions. I don't know how I can cope with it, but if 18% (about 40 million people) of the human population can survive, I suppose I must persevere as well. The strength of these tiny creatures will never cease to amaze me.

~Castiel


	4. Chapter 4

_December 23, 2009_

It snowed for the first time today.

I've always been fascinated with snow. Each snowflake is perfectly unique, tiny and cold and it melts far too soon. Much like humans, I suppose.

I expressed this to Dean and he snorted and said, "It's just frozen water, Cas. Happens every year."

Humans. They can be enlightened and insightful one moment and be incredibly dense and hard headed the next.

I live for flying among the clouds, swooping and soaring and screaming. It's much better during thunderstorms or blizzards, and Dean always worries about me getting struck by lightning or something. I tell him repeatedly that I'm a celestial being and can't be hurt by something like that, but he doesn't listen. I suppose it's nice to have someone worry about you.

I worry about Dean a lot. I don't think he finds it nice, but then again we are two very different beings. I worry about him because he lies about how he feels in order to keep me from worrying, but in reality it makes me more anxious. I've told him this and he snorted again and said, "Cas, I'm fine, and even if I wasn't, you don't need to worry about me. I'm nothing." He said the last bit with a sense of defeat and his eyes changed a little. I told him, "Dean, you're not nothing. You're brave and strong willed and beau-" but he cut me off before I could go on. He told me not to lie to him, and I was about to tell him not to lie to me, but Sam interrupted with a new case and we never spoke of it again.

Oh, Father. Do help this poor soul. Let him know he is a snowflake, let him see that he is not just frozen water, help me tell him how perfect he is, how much I care for him. Amen.

 _-Castiel_


End file.
